I Fell on Black Days

So we’re sitting at slightly less than 3 days until the craniotomy.

It’s all about the small distractions at this point:

Go out for dinner – check!  (slightly too many drink…don’t judge me!)

Play some videogames – check! (Who has time for that with kids?)

Apply for EI – check!  (Now I just wait for that sweet, sweet government money to start rolling in)

Get an okay from the Dr to “keep myself calm” the day before – check!

Go back to the pre admission Clinic get blood tests they forgot to give me last time – check!  (Although they’re not inspiring me with confidence by forgetting and then also leaving a message with the wrong phone number to contact them at to get it sorted out.)

Listen to some new vinyl – check!  (I completely forgot I ordered a Chris Cornell album a couple of weeks ago)

I can’t believe how much listening to albums that I already own affect me emotionally now.  When I saw Chris Cornell earlier this year in an acoustic concert he blew me away.  I have the digital version of this album but it doesn’t even come close to the analog version.  Where did we go wrong with how we take in music?  Our music has fallen on black days (to coin a phrase).

Looking forward to having my skull cracked open?

“Prepare yourself for a fall surgery”.  It’s hard to wrap your brain around something like that (pun intended).  It would be nice to just move on from this whole thing rather than having it hang over me like a bit of a black cloud.  Although it’s not a for sure thing it’s just something that I potentially get to look forward to. 

My brain tumor is about the size of an egg.  I keep forgetting to snap a picture of the MRI when I’m in the neurosurgeon’s office.  Cause that’s just the kind of thing that one shares on social media.  All those expectant mothers get to use pictures of ultrasounds as their profile pictures for 9 months so I really need to get on it and remember to snap a picture of it. 

I got to ask the doctor what all is involved in the surgery.  They just cut a “window” in my skull and probe my brain with electrical impulses while they do things like ask me questions and show me pictures so they can map out my brain function.  The whole process takes about 4 hours.  Then they just staple me shut and add titanium plates to hold the skull in place.  After that airport security should be a breeze. 

I hope the wait isn’t too hard on Gill.  Waiting to hear what was going on when her and Scarlett almost died in childbirth last year was probably the longest half an hour of my life.  I kept looking at the door waiting for someone to come out and either tell me everything was alright or that my life had changed forever.  So I can only imagine what 4 hours would feel like.  Surprisingly googling craniotomy mortality rate ( I know right?) yielded better results that one would think.  But if you decide to not take my word on the 2 minutes of research I did and come up with different result keep it to yourself Sherlock. 

Then I get to be off work for a couple of months.  Maybe It will happen during Xmas and I can have the holidays off for once.  Then I just wait around and get to see if I need to do any kind of chemo or radiation (the doctor said it’s unlikely), and then I get to play the waiting game for the rest of my life waiting to see if it grows back. 

I also got my medication adjusted to try to control my seizures more effectively (and the rage outbursts that are a legitimate side effect of the medication).  I actually went about 6 days last week without a single seizure.  Considering not long ago I was having 2-3 a day I’m pretty happy about that.  The day I got a seizure last week I had forgotten to take my medication. 

So now I’m on two types of anti seizure meds.  When filling the new prescription the pharmacist asked wanted to give me all the relevant info:

“What is the medication being taken for” she said,
“It’s to control seizures related to a brain tumor”.
“Okay, well do you drink alcohol?”
“Uh…ya.  I have a brain tumor”
<No laugh at all only a bit of an awkward pause>
“Well it should be okay as long as you wait a little while after taking the medication”
“I’m not going to lie to you…sometimes I wash it down with a cocktail”
<Still nothing>

I’m pretty sure she has no sense of humor.  But seriously I do wash them down with a cocktail most of the time.  Maybe there’s something wrong with that but I don’t know…I say do what you need to do to take your mind off of it.  Until you have something like this happen I think you really never know how you’ll cope.  Luckily I also have this blog to get things out.  So on nights like this I just sit here and listen to music usually with a cocktail while I figure it all out.  Tonight I’m drinking pineapple juice and strawberry, watermelon, and lime juice however…

Maybe I should be seeing a counsellor or join some kind of support group…I don’t know.  Part of me thinks I don’t really need to do that because I consider myself to be a pretty self actualized person.  But considering I’ve never actually been to a counselor or been part of a support group it’s hard to know what I would get out of it.  But it would give me an excuse to get out of the house and away from kids.  And if it didn’t work out I could just pretend I was still going and just go to Pizza Hut or something.  I’m totally kidding Pizza Hut is barely in my top 5 places I’d rather be than at home with kids…